***

i never had any intention to write about...this. maybe it's because i don't want people's pity. maybe it's because i resent our situation too much. maybe it's because i'm afraid people will not understand and laugh. or maybe it's because i'm vain - utterly and lethally proud - and i don't want people to think any less of me. because i already DO feel kind of less, and i hate it.

i realize now that i should've written about it a long time ago. i also realize that i have really, really stupid ideas some of the time.

hello, i'm jezzah and we're really very poor. i'm trying my best to function as best as i can, and i'm trying to overcome my baser, more materialistic and whiny nature. i think i really am getting stronger, and i hope to someday find meaning in all this mess.

i hope you guys a meaningful christmas!

 

Love is so overrated.

I learned a lot from this mess - the potency of feeling too much; the bitter taste of failed expectations; the sheer relief in admitting things I kept denying to myself, so much like the comfort of finally coming home.

But I think the most important lesson of all is this: I realized how resilient a person I really am.

I don't regret any of it, not for a second, but I am so glad because I think I can finally go on with my life.

I am writing this because I want to mark this emotion - to leave an evidence that it ever was before I start anew, a reminder that once it did mean something, at least to me. Because I really am putting a close to this chapter. The last time I'll write about it, because God knows I've wasted too much time and ink and tears than is healthy.

To the lone person who had the misfortune of hearing the entirety of the sordid story, you made letting go so much easier to do.

And to you: thank you for everything. I mean that.

Good bye.

Livejournal is infinitely better than multiply.

I wouldn't go into detail as to why because then this entry would morph into a spitting monster rant which would be counterproductive to the whole cultivating a more pleasant writing tone thing I'm currently running.

But still. LJ > Multiply. That's a fact.

I do hope I'm not getting way ahead of my self when I say:

FOURTH YEAR NA KOOOOOOO!!!

I know I still have to wait for results of The Tests patiently like a loyal pup, but come on. Now is a time for wild celebratory jigs! And pizza! And also for a little looking back, since you can't say "senior" without evoking a certain sense of nostalgia.

To commence, a tiny tribute to these people...






(I purposely didn't use an lj-cut because this picture is way too pretty for such banalities.)

Even if sometimes they make me chew my hair in rage, I love my RLE to pieces. God blessed me with siblings at school! Isn't that great!

And also, since I wouldn't feel like a decent and mature person in the least unless I do this, here goes

My Admission That Sir Hibek And Sister Vinoya Helped Me Become A Better Person

Because they did. I know I spent most of the year (most of the second sem, in Sister V's case) silently hating them with a hate that knows no name nor measure, but looking back, I can say with total honesty that it did me good. Of course I can't say that I've learned to budget my time or prioritize better or something to that effect because uh, I didn't. But I'm made of stronger stuff now and much more sure of my self and of what I can do.

Two days ago, in what can only be called as a fit of madness, I opened another multiply account. Considering that I can not even update this LJ--who is my firstborn and also my soul mate (we have an incestuous relationship)--and my first multiply of loserness has been rotting over the interwebz, I think I may be starting a doomed project, but what the hey. It's not like I've got anything better to do.